What you are about to read is crazy – it is absolute insanity. What follows is a real exchange that occurred between one crazy tenant and a frustrated landlord who, at times, has clearly crossed the line. The exchange among tenant and landlord was sourced from the professional property management firm that used to have this landlord as their client and today is “happy to say that client is a former client these days.” Yes, you got it, the crazy landlord was release by the property management firm on his or her own recognizance. The names have been changed and the personnel information removed to “protect the innocent” if there is any innocence in this mess.
You will laugh your “bottom” off when you read this exchange, or perhaps you will cry. You just cannot make stuff like this up. It is a rare “gem” for sure. Take my advice, do not try this at home folks.
Landlord: As usual your emails are long and unnecessary, Martin, but as you wish, here are your answers.
- Complaint Number One: The Broken Toilet
Tenant: The toilet bowl ‘set’ is broken, do you understand? It is cheap plastic. Wednesdays might be possible for fixing it, but the worker needs to call me today or Tuesday latest. 555-555-5555 is my new cell.
Landlord: It is a plastic “SEAT” not a bowl. You do NOT need to replace the toilet, only the plastic cover – hinge that has broken. I could not help but wonder why you are the only one with a broken hinge? I will relay your availability to the worker. They are closed now. You need to confirm the date and time please, so, I can inform them. I will give them your cell phone number also.
Tenant: Okay…a plastic SEAT… I do not know John. I close the toilet like every other person – it is just the hinge – toilet itself works great… probably be fixed for less than $3.00…plastic rod should do it. I MIGHT be able to make Wednesdays work, but I don’t know yet. Friday would be better, but just have him call me tomorrow please – thanks.
- Complaint Number Two: The Pilot Light is Out
Tenant: Pilot on the heater goes off in the summer because it gets very hot on the second floor and for safety. Besides the Southern California Gas Company guy turned it off because the model is no longer allowed without cross ventilation.
Landlord: The gas man came, because of your call to have the pilot turned off. What do you mean by cross ventilation?
Tenant: You can take it up with Southern California Gas Company–it has nothing to do with me.I do expect the heating unit situation fully rendered no later than September or sooner. I will NOT pay rent without a working heater come the Fall. Easy solution? Fix it because it was supposed to be fixed even before I moved in… again, Southern California Gas Company said this and yes, they left paperwork for you. PLEASE see the attached pictures below. He came like normal and finally said “no more”… the SIDE VENTS on the HEATER are NOT sticking out from the wall…the entire unit has been pushed BACK INTO THE WALL and SEALED as such. Basically, that type of model is supposed to stick OUT from the wall another two inches or whatever so that air can escape or get into it from the side…I personally DO NOT CARE…the heater work in 2018…but now the guy said it is a new Southern California Gas Company policy –again I have hard copy paperwork for you and even included some pictures for your convenience.
- Complaint Number Three: Tenant’s New Cell Phone
Tenant: My new cell is 555-555-5555. Yes, a LOCAL NUMBER…please program this (into your phone) and let me know how to use it. Thank you ☺ Please do this soon. Thanks.
- Complaint Number Four: Noise Complaints
Tenant: I do not know what neighbors are complaining about specifically–I can hear them blasting a movie or music too but I do not say anything. Sure, I can make a more conscious effort to keep it down after hours. I hope they do the same.
Landlord: I am trying to be discreet and not to say it. But, with your insistence, your loud sex could be heard, because you are probably too excited to even be aware of it. I used to live in a 3-story, 92-unit apartment. complex with a courtyard that echoes. A majority of the tenants in the building know when the 3rd floor tenant had sex, because all of us from 1st floor to 3rd floor could hear her loud voice of excitement in the middle of the night. Somehow, her sex is the only one that we could hear out of the 92 units.
Tenant: I am a 34-year-old single male. I am entitled to have sex in my apartment –not that it is anyone’s business and I personally find this very offensive. But sure, I will try to keep it down. Not my fault women enjoy experiencing pleasure with me, and in fact, I think it is a good thing. People would be less angry if they had a better sex life. Side note: I have heard other folks having sex as well in the building – either coming home at night or taking out the trash. We are all human and living in very close proximity. This happens –just like with the building you lived in.
- Complaint Number Five: Trash Under the Mailbox
Tenant: This is ridiculous. I have never left trash under the mailbox. Sure, I have left trash outside my door for maybe 15 to 20 minutes or less before I leave for the day and then carry it down to the trash area, but I do not leave it unattended. And for hours? Days? No! Who is telling you this nonsense? I only put empty bottles of water or an occasional empty bottle of wine into the blue recycling. Everything else I put into the trash. That is cute that LA city complained about regular trash in a blue bin…but it has nothing to do with me.
Landlord: We have pictures of them. You are not allowed to put your trash bag down as a wet bag could stain the floor and attract insects.
Tenant: I am happy to hear you have pictures of a trash bag…Must be nice to have so much time on your hands. Wet? No…if a trash bag is even a little WET… it gets walked straight down to the Trash bin…I have to walk, relax and live here too…so why would I want a messy place? And yes, I hate bugs so believe me…I am a clean dude with a clean place. Probably your cleanest male tenant to be honest.
- Complaint Number Six: The Door Mat
Tenant: It is a doormat. Literally, a doormat. If the building inspector cannot negotiate a one-centimeter-high doormat on the ground… in front of a door...he probably should find another job. And I doubt a doormat will cost a person their life…you are joking right?
Landlord: A trip hazard means a person could slip or fall down upon stepping on your unsecured doormat (especially when it is pitch black) while trying to run for his or her life in case of fire, earthquake, or natural disaster, with the building falling down. Those few seconds or one-minute delay could result in their death in a collapsing building. Laws were made to save lives because something bad had already happened before. Sorry, it is no joke to die unnecessarily.
Tenant: If the building falls-down…everyone is probably dead. I doubt the doormat will be a deal breaker.
- Complaint Number Seven: The Warped Screens
Tenant: The screens are warped and to be blunt–this old building needs to be power washed but I doubt you will shell out the cash. Also, the construction next door–which is 6 days a week by the way and louder than God ever intended–is responsible for most of the trash that gets dropped over the wall by the workers who do not care, or the wind blows it onto our driveway, etc. I think you have no idea how lucky you are that ‘us’ current tenants including myself have actually stayed here. 7:00 (I hear) BAAAM! BAAAM! This continues until as late as 7:00 p.m. at night. 6 days a week. It is beyond awful.
Landlord: I am really sorry for what everybody has to go through. The property management company tried to get a hold of the person in charge of the construction next door. Not sure, if they were finally able to speak with them.
Tenant: Respectfully, that is not real effort…you do not even know if they spoke with them…great. In fact, I bet they barely even called.
Landlord: Are you aware that there are three phone numbers on the side of the construction fence to CALL and complain? How about taking a picture of THAT instead of TRASH and calling them to complain about HARD NAILS (yes sharp nails) landing onto the driveway.
Tenant: I am astonished no one has gotten a flat tire yet. I see them on the ground when I go to do laundry. And I pick them up and throw them into the trash to be nice. This noise is so bad John–you have no idea. There is an air compressor and then blasting music while working. There are SAWS. HAMMERS, etc….I cannot wait for them to finish the construction. WARNING–if they break ground to build on the empty LOT next to us…the other side of the building. I AM GONE!!! And so will your other tenants…believe me…if they build there, it will literally be against our bedrooms…and a massive apartment building no doubt with guaranteed noise for over a year. How do I know that? Because the building across the street was under construction when I moved in here on March 1, 2018. and that building is STILL UNDER CONSTRUCTION. See the picture. They have already started to bulldoze on the empty lot to the RIGHT when FACING our building.
Landlord: LASTLY–why are you still emailing me like you did back in 2018? That was before I hired the property management company.
Tenant: Aren’t you paying them? Should they be reaching out to me? What is the point in paying them if you are going to do their jobs for them? Why should I bother putting in a maintenance request with them (the management company) if it is YOU who replies-back? I do not have any more time for this conversation. Cheers